What Is "Mindful Parenting"?

What is mindful parenting?

A recent parenting book has added to what has been called the mindful parenting movement. Mindful Parenting, by Kristen Race, a brain researcher, has stimulated articles in the New York Times and Slate and perhaps others. It has much good information about what we are learning in neuroscience about the different effects of modern stress on the one hand and traditional practice of mindfulness on the other. It applies to modern parenting some of the concepts of mindfulness, including being present in the moment and taking time to think and respond instead of react. And it also applies some of the more recent developmental theories to raising kids. Like the human potential movement of the 60s and 70s, it can be taken to place quite a burden on the new parent, creating high expectations and heavy duties. At the same time, it can also be taken to emphasize the importance of parenting and the powerful influence parents have on their children. Rather than create another set of benchmarks, we need to appreciate, in each family and as a whole society, the crucial role of parents and encourage each parent to organize their lives so that they do not have to deny or make light of their key responsibility to this new developing human child. I love the idea of being mindful, that is, keeping in mind exactly what you are there for at any given moment and responding appropriately for the conditions. But I think that parenting is actually a function of the heart, not the mind. It is as much a right brain activity as a left. We can analyze and study developmental stages and what music to play to the baby in the womb or during their studies, but we must also spend a good deal of time listening to our parental hearts. I think that is really what true mindfulness is in the traditional Asian philosophies we have borrowed from. It is about quieting the mind and our cascading thoughts about work, relatives, the economy, or our diet. It's about controlling our over-reactive egos and instead listening to the truths in our hearts. In The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, I have identified seven thoughts which should dwell in the mind of a parent whenever they think of their child. And I urge a parent to think of the child often, and especially before and after an encounter, because every encounter comes out better if you start in the right place. That is, with positive expectations, a mind at peace, and a confidence that everything will be okay. These thoughts start in the mind of the parent and need to be there before an encounter, because in the heat of the moment, voices in the brain can get in the way of authentic words or action from the heart. Modern brain science is exciting, but it should not get in the way of the natural intelligence a parent can access in direct response to her or his love for the child. I think the greatest challenge today is for parents to actually spend enough time, that is quantity time, with their children to actually exercise that parental love muscle, so that the right words and actions tend to come at the right moments, from the heart, not the mind. Today's lifestyles, of the parents and of the children, the prevailing economic pressures and the psychologist apologists, conspire to convince us quantity time isn't important. But it is. It allows parents to build their innate love and compassion for the child, and to set the example the child needs for the easiest most effective learning about life. And it is this love and compassion, born of the parent-child relationship, which has been responsible for our species' success since way before we had any scientific investigation of the brain.   Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: To get the responses you want from your parenting, you do best to do your thinking before and after an encounter with your child and focus on responding from love when you are in the moment. Thinking before and after allows you to set aside fears, urgency, guilt, worry, mistrust, and other emotions so that you can speak, listen, and act authentically from your heart, with confidence in the relationship you have created with your child and with certainty that working together you will get the results you both want.

Lessons of Unschooling

I recently gave a talk at a wonderful and stimulating event in the White Mountains of New Hampshire called Life Rocks, which was a week-long gathering of families who are on the cutting edge of freedom in parenting and education. Founded by Dayna Martin with her husband and kids, the event brings together hundreds of families to share and explore their experiences, wisdom, and vision for a family-centered child-rearing experience, to encourage their children to become creative, capable, confident, and happy adults.

  

Author of Radical Unschooling, Dayna also directs the Rethinking Everything conference in Texas in August. She was my guest on my radio show "Family First," and I encourage you to listen to the show at

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/65485/radical-unschooling.

  

Not all families will want to educate their children at home, though more and more are choosing to do so. Those who have done it have learned much that can be of value to those who have chosen to take advantage of our many kinds of school systems. The contrast between letting kids learn what they need through living rather than formal schooling and sending kids to school for twelve to twenty years is often dramatic. Most notably, the children do not come to assume that someone else is in charge of their schedule, their learning, their work contribution, and their income. They take responsibility early for their own future.

  

In my book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, I included an Appendix describing why my husband and I decided to educate our son and daughter at home. In brief, it was primarily to give them more freedom to explore what they were most interested in at any given time and to give us all more family time so that they could learn more from us, their parents, as well as to have more fun enjoying each other as a family. You will find much more detail in the book, but my point is that all parents can focus on these things without going all the way to home education.

  

What we find in family-focused child-rearing is that children are naturally curious, naturally want to learn, and don't need to be prodded, "taught" responsibility, caring, or contribution. They want to help, want to do important things, want to imitate the adults they respect.

  

Making time together is the most important thing you can do for your children. Choose things you like to do and share these with your child. Then pick things they like to do and facilitate their activities and your own participation. Create an example of inquisitiveness in your own life. Create lots of opportunities for seeing, hearing, exploring, traveling, reading, playing, dancing, drawing, singing, building. If your child is in school, it's harder to find these times, but maximize the opportunities during vacations and on weekends. Don't let school and sports and extracurricular activities prevent your time together.

 

Child-led learning is the natural pattern among traditional peoples and it works just as well for us now. The best teachers in our school systems try to tap in to what turns a child on and show them their own competence around that subject to bolster their performance in other areas. Who is in a better position than a parent to know their child's passions, needs and wants? And who else can figure out better what each child needs for guidance, healthy limits, and healthy freedoms at different ages and stages? Too often today parents are asked to abdicate this all important role. Hold on to it and your children will thrive. You will be happier too!

  

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: You Can Postpone Anything But Love.TM Making time to be with your children is the best thing you can do as a parent. Children learn by example and you are it! See that your lifestyle and relationship habits model what you want from your child, and be there to help them interpret what they see and hear from the all-pervasive media. Make time to do fun things together and to listen to their stories. Take time to find out what they would like to do to have fun. Go hiking, watch a game, play a video game with you, go to a fancy restaurant, visit a dairy or a TV studio? Whatever it is, make it happen together.

Family Resilience for 2013!

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

 Be sure to take adcantage of the over 88 great interviews with top experts and emerging expert voices on all issues related to family on "Family First" online net radio, available 24/7 on your PC or mobile, at the Voice America net talk radio netowrk, the leader in online interview shows. Simply go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first

and choose your show. The great interview with James Lee is all about optimism and resilience in the family and the society. A great resource for the end of our first month of 2013!

  For my interview with James, this link will take you directly there: http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/62561/the-resilient-family.

 

Randy Rolfe Take home Tip - Home for a child is wherever a parent is. Resilience is passed on to our children when we show confidence that whatever happens we will be okay and that we will be able to care for our child no matter what. Children are born with an innate trust that their parent will guard, keep, and teach them. But the child can lose faith if we lose faith in ourselves. If you have concerns, it's okay to share them in an age appropriate manner, but always assure the child that you know all will turn out right. Kids may not believe you all the time, but deep down they will trust you because you ARE the parent. We often forget how important the parent is in this complex multi-dimensional lifestyle we live. But for the child, the parent is ALL.She or he sends all the most important cues.

Want lasting, healthy, fulfilling, and easier relationships?

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

In today’s society we’re surrounded by the search for love – in books, in songs, in the movies, on TV, and now on the web – but how many of us know how to find it or even what we are looking for? As children we’re taught to go out there and find love without any cues or instruction on how to make it happen. It’s no wonder that so many adults can make messes of their relationships and end up questioning if being loved or finding love is even possible or meant for them.  

My guest this week on Family First is Cyndi Dale, a renowned author on intuitive and spiritual matters who has developed a guide that serves to open the heart, show you how to nurture your relationships, and give you new optimism and confidence about loving and being loved. She will share how our past experiences can keep us fearful or stuck and how to better understand our feelings and ways to keep them from spoiling our relationships. Listen in to find out great ways to find love or to keep your love fresh and growing. 

Listen in Friday at 1 PM PT/2 PM MT/3 PM CT/4 PM ET, or any time afterwards on demand or podcast. Click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first and click on this episode to the right of the program home page. 

Cyndi Dale is an internationally respected author and spiritual scholar whose book The Subtle Body earned The Gold Nautilus Award. Her book The Complete Book of Chakra Healing is currently in its 14^th printing. She is also author of The Intuition Guidebook: How to Safely and Wisely Use Your Sixth Sense. She is president of Life Systems Services, through which she has conducted over 35,000 client sessions and trainings across Europe, Asia, and the Americas.  

Cyndi has studied cross-cultural healing and energy systems and has led instructional classes in many countries, including Peru, Costa Rica, Venezuela, Japan, and many others, as well as among the Lakota people and the Hawaiian kahunas. Her newest book, Togetherness: Creating and Deepening Sustainable Love, is coauthored with psychotherapist Andrew Wald and serves to explain and demystify relationships without taking the soul out of them. Cyndi currently lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, with her two sons and various pets.

To hear Cyndi’s insights, listen in Friday at 1 PM PT/2 PM MT/3 PM CT/4 PM ET, or any time afterwards on demand or podcast. Click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first and click on this episode to the right of the program home page.

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Relationships are all about attention. Pay attention to the other person, what they are saying, what they want, what they are hoping to receive from you. Often it is just your attention! Take time to be with them and engage them in their own dreams and hopes. Then be clear and thoughtful about what are your dreams and wants. Make requests but be secure enough to not mind if they say no for now.

The Resilent Family!

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

There’s an awful lot of doom and gloom out there for families to contemplate. With persistent national and personal debt, shrinking resources, climate change, malnutrition along side of obesity, and adjustments in the very concept of family, families are feeling the stress of constant change. Fortunately, there is hope in the form of contemporary grassroots movements, according to my guest this week on Family First, James H. Lee. In his new book Resilience and the Future of Everyday Life,

 Lee shows how these movements can restore self-reliance and community engagement. He will discuss how families can take control of their own destiny and help to create the future they want for their children and grandchildren. Lee will be sharing such concepts as discreet consumption, transition towns, repurposing, the elder boom, moving beyond the adolescent culture, do-it-yourself banking, barter and digital commerce, and edible landscaping. His ideas will definitely expand your current options.

 Click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first at 4 PM ET, 3 PM CT, 2 PM MT, 1 PM PT this Friday, or any time afterwards for on demand or podcast.

 James H. Lee is a Delaware-based financial advisor who engages in extensive research and analysis of emerging technologies and social trends. During his 20 year career, his system has identified numerous investment opportunities for his clients. Lee is the author Resilience and the Future of Everyday Life. James has been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal, Financial Planning, and Medical Economics.

 Lee has also written for The Futurist, the Journal of Futures Studies, and Technological Forecasting and Social Change. Lee is a popular blogger for the World Future Society and has presented at their annual conference. He is also a member of the Association of Professional Futurists. Lee graduated from the College of William & Mary with a B.A. in Economics and received a Master’s degree in Studies of the Future from the University of Houston – Clear Lake. He is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA), and a Chartered Market Technician (CMT).

To hear James Lee’s exciting insights, click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first at 4 PM ET, 3 PM CT, 2 PM MT, 1 PM PT this Friday, or any time afterwards for on demand or podcast.

Take Home Tips from Randy Rolfe: Our children must be equipped for a future we cannot easily predict. So our job as parents is to give them confidence, thinking and problem solving skills, and a sense of curiosity, compassion, and hope about their future and the world's future. We know things will change and we can give them the tools we have learned to use to respond to change and to create the world we want to live in..

Build a child's confidence through sense of place!

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

In our fast-changing society today, many kids feel a bit adrift and their self-confidence can suffer. One of the most powerful ways to help them find their way is to help them reconnect with their cultural and family heritage and sense of place.

My guest this week is Michelle Dirks, who does exactly that. Michelle Dirks is an internationally acclaimed educator and artist has captured her secrets of teaching success in her Treasure House Press curriculums. For over fifteen years, she has taught children, ages 3-17, creative art programs from painting to print-making, primitive weaving to learning from the masters, calligraphy to urban-street art, recycled material murals  to martial arts, each creative opportunity rich and engaging for students. The result is children re-discovering their passion for learning. In a multi-disciplinary approach to art education, Michelle Dirks provides a vast knowledge base while enhancing self esteem and cooperative communication between her students.

Listen in Friday at 1 PM PT/2 PM MT/3 PM CT/4 PM ET, or any time afterwards on demand or podcast. Simply click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first and click on this episode to the right of the program home page. 

Michelle Dirks is a native of Ireland and graduate of Limerick College of Art and Design. She has been instrumental in founding Irish National Arts Programs, with grants from The Art Council of Ireland. Dirks shares her enthusiasm for life-long learning with her students to nurture their creativity and sense of heritage. She was one of the top macrobiotic food specialists in the US, teaching classes in natural nutrition and cooking for celebrities.  

Dirks is author of two children’s books: Yummy Yummy in my Tummy and Mr. Hoppity’s Color Me Cookbook for Kids and did illustrations for Wild Food Foraging by Deborah Lee-Hoagie. The student work produced from her curriculums has created fund-raising opportunities for Pegasus Artworks - Boys and Girls Club of Delaware, Chester County Community Foundation, Coatesville Community Education Foundation and others. Dirks led a five organization sponsored tour called the Art of Hope, reaching ten locations and ending with a Festival of Hope event. 

To hear Michelle dirks’ valuable ideas, listen in Friday at 1 PM PT/2 PM MT/3 PM CT/4 PM ET, or any time afterwards on demand or podcast. Click on the link above or go to http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first and click on this episode to the right of the program home page.

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Be sure to have your child explore with you often your surroundings and neighborhood and also tell her or him stories of where you grew up and where their ancestors came from. Show them on a globe, a map, or google maps, and ask them to draw pictures of these places and stories! 

Do you know a family looking to adopt?

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

Many couples today are looking into adopting a child, and most of us know some one who has considered adopting, either domestically or internationally. Often would-be adoptive parents are faced with challenges they had no way of knowing about ahead of time, and few appreciate the financial commitment, which can cost well over $10,000, with travel expenses, fees, and more, and cause undue stress at what should be a happy time. Likewise, friends and relatives often have no idea how to help.  

My guest this week on Family First net talk radio is Kelly Ellison, who as a result of her own experience adopting her daughter from China, founded YourAdoptionFinanceCoach.com and GotchaGiftRegistry.com, two eCommerce companies to fill this information gap. Her organization is dedicated to giving potential parents the coaching they need to make the process as smooth as possible and to educating friends and family about how they can best help, so that, as Kelly says, they can “bring their family home together forever.” 

Click on the above link to hear Kelly ellison live, at 1 PM PT, 2 PM MT, 3 PM CT, and 4 PM ET, to listen in or catch it later on archive. 

Kelly Ellison is an executive coach and trainer with over 25 years experience working in development and management in the nonprofit sector.  She has been president and CEO of two nonprofit organizations as well as Vice President of Marketing and Development for a national nonprofit organization based in Kansas City, Missouri.  Kelly has a passion for helping people raise money, and now she specifically helps adoptive families reach their financial goals. 

 Kelly earned her Master’s Degree in Business Administration in 2005 from the Rockhurst Executive Fellows Program in Kansas City. She is certified in mediation and diversity and is an experienced presenter.  She is co-author of The Youth Action Agenda, A Cooperative Model for Environmental Leadership, a curriculum for high school. She is a member of the scholarship committee for the Rosalyn Carter Institute’s Intergenerational Caregivers Scholarship Award and a member of the board of governors of the We Are Family Foundation.

To hear Kelly Ellison’s insights on adoption, click on the above link at 1 PM PT, 2 PM MT, 3 PM CT, and 4 PM ET, to listen in or catch it later on archive.

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips:  Adapting to the new family when the child is adopted takes a lot of focus and attention by the new parents, particularly because the parents don't have the same natural hormones which follow a birth to create a bit of extra confidence, closeness, and security feelings within the family. So stay focused and steady and know that you are meant to be this child's baby and it will all work out okay!