Back to School Tips

Back to School Tips

Before your child starts another year of school, it can help to get in touch with exactly what is the role of school in your family's life? Although home school can be an option, most families do delegate schooling to our government or privately supported school systems. But for each family what role the school plays can be different and can change over time. It can vary from on the one hand setting up the family's whole life around the school activities to on the other hand letting the child deal with school on his own and continuing as usual with family patterns as before.  
 

It is good to know where you stand on this continuum and discuss it with your spouse or partner, if any, in parenting, so that you can avoid misunderstandings and potential conflict later. If one parent wants to oversee all homework projects before play and the other would rather see the child play until it's dark and then do what she or he can on her or his own, the child will be caught in the middle and maybe even figure out how to get her or his own way which may not suit either parent.

As we would expect, most studies of how children function in school suggest that moderation is key. Children must find their own way to adjust to the rigors of school, but they also, as children, need the guidance and support of their parents.

Some intriguing studies have shown that children's report cards improved when the parents took more of a hands off approach, avoiding adding pressure to the pressure already inherent in the school teaching environment. Offer answers and help when asked, but avoid micromanaging their school interactions.

There is plenty to do at home as a parent,. Setting schedules is much easier if it is done before school starts, or at least early in the year. Depending on the child's age and maturity, do what you can to involve the child in setting the schedule. But remember who is in charge and be sure there are enough hours for sleep, breakfast and dinner, and family social time. That pretty much uses up whatever is left after school and homework. But these parts of a child's day are every bit as important as schooling.

It is during these family times that children pick up what is important and valuable to their parents, what lifestyle choices will stand them in good stead for life, and how to interact in a more comfortable informal setting, rather than the largely artificial setting of school, where a hoard of children respond to a few authoritative adults who are non-family and where the day is broken up into managed segments over which the child has no control.

Be sure to take time before and after school to greet the child with caring and a smile. Try to avoid last minute reminders in the morning, or grilling in the afternoon. The child will tend to have more self-confidence if it is clear that the parent-child relationship is still more important than the child-school relationship.

And let go of perfectionist tendencies. Kids will make mistakes, forget their assignment, forget their ball, forget what the teacher said, etc. If you give them space without shame to do better next time, they will learn much more quickly than if they think they have let you down.

Make sure their home diet is up to your standards, as the challenges at school regarding diet can be daunting. Studies show that if quality food, which is relatively free of chemical additives, fabricated food products, and highly refined or artificially flavored foods, is made available to kids, they will tend to eat a healthy diet over the course of a week. So make meals a fun social time, not a stressful time for lectures.  And also be careful about body image issues.

But do have meals. Have the kids help prepare them and they will be better eaters. And be sure to have healthy snacks for after school. The parent's example is always stronger than anyone else's, especially in the early years.

There's a lot to think about, but the pay-off is worth it. So many children today are missing breakfast, not getting a good night's sleep, and then snacking on sugary and/or chemical-laden drinks, candies, and baked goods. It is no wonder attention and behavior problems are on the rise.

Encourage your children to have compassion for those kids, but let them know you are serious about your job to help them avoid these problems.

You can find much more in my books, You Can Postpone Anything But Love, and The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents.

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: Just as parents have a whole lot going on in their work day, whether at a job, as an entrepreneur, or as home administrator, so children have a full day at school. Their stresses can be just as frustrating and depleting, or as satisfying and enlivening, as our day has been. So we do well to respect their experiences and listen compassionately when they share them. Remember that your child's emotional life is at least as complex as your own. That way you both will feel better when you are sharing your mornings and evenings and weekends together. http://www.parenthoodtools.com.

Freedom to Work, Rest, Play Parents today have so many pressing calls on their attention that it can be crucial to remind ourselves exactly what we are about. As in any other enterprise, and this is the most important one, the clearer we are about our basic tasks the more successful we will be. As parents, we do not have a clod of dirt on our hands that we must mold into a decent human being. Instead we have a human spirit determined to grow and manifest her or his greatness. Our task is to create a healthy environment where this can take place. Because of our superior age, knowledge, and experience, we can create that healthy environment as long as we are not distracted by an endless array of other "shoulds." Like a bigger house, more cars, a better school, a more up-to-date phone, a better position on the team, a better job or income for the bread-winner, and so on. Not that these aren't important, they just need to be held in their proper place of priority. So what is a healthy environment for our child? Let's take the school-age child, for example. She or he needs exactly what we want too for ourselves: the freedom to do meaningful work, to get the rest and relaxation we need, and to have the place and time to play and have fun. If we keep these priorities in mind, scheduling becomes easier, setting reasonable rules becomes easier, and encouraging contribution to the chores of a home also becomes an integral part of family life. But we, as the parents, must understand that we are the rule-makers in our own home. Too many parents today assume they are supporting their children by letting them have absolute freedom. If this worked, nature would not have put us in change for 10 to 20 years, depending on your culture. To give just one example of a need for parental limits, a recent study, which included thousands of people around the world, demonstrated that when you go to bed is much more important for getting the rest you need, than what time you get up. For parents that means setting a bedtime which is 8 to 9 hours before the child must get up, and this is up to you. When I was a child, my pre-school teacher asked my mother why I was so easy-going and never got cranky in school. Mom told her that she didn't really know, but that we were sent outside to play every afternoon for a couple of hours and were tucked into bed at 8 every night. Today, parents must shut off video games, smart phones, and initiate a real conversation eye to eye to create a healthy environment for proper sleep. But it is worth it. I had many family counseling clients who were amazed that parenting issues like bad attitude, poor school performance, and "laziness" were often completely eliminated by seeing that the child had enough sleep. In my book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, you can find the other eleven basic needs of children, besides good sleep. As many have said before, freedom must be coupled with discipline. But not discipline of the children so much as self-discipline of the parents. Set a good example in your own life, be gentle but consistent and persistent, make a healthy environment a given in your home, and parenting will be a whole lot easier.  Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Remember your child wants the wisdom and protection only you can provide, whether it appears that way at the moment or not. Be patient, listen, and then be clear what your rules and standards are. For more, visit my new websites! http://motherhoodtools.com and http://parenthoodtools.com.

The Most Overlooked Way to Connect with Your Child

The Most Overlooked Way to Connect with Your Child
How often have you seen a parent walking with a child and looking down at their mobile phone? Have you thought about how this may be a missed opportunity to connect?

When you are with a child, every moment is a chance to connect and our moments seem ever harder to find with parent and child occupied with school, work, play, social media, grabbing a snack, getting where we want to go in a hurry.

But with kids, there is no time like the present. Eye contact is what they crave. It only takes a moment to let a child know you care, by stopping whatever you may be focused on (except when driving!) and looking into their eyes.

This simple task is the most overlooked way to connect with a child. And yet it is the simplest and the quickest. And it has the added benefit of putting you the parent in touch with your parental love.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we even avoid eye contact with a child because we know instinctively that it will change our focus and reset our priorities in an instant?

It is a lot easier to say no if we avoid eye contact, if we can tell ourselves the child is bothering us, being unreasonable, can wait a minute, or can take care of him or herself.

But what they want most in that moment is to know they are top priority. And a warm look into their eyes can empower them like nothing else to wait, or to find their own amusement, or to solve their own problems.

You may find this simple step can save you all kinds of time talking, consoling, making excuses, fixing problems, and so on. If a child knows they are tops with you, their confidence soars and they feel more capable, independent, and yes happy.

Randy's Take Home Tip: Next time you heave a sigh and wonder how you will ever get everything done if your child wants your attention one more time, give her or him the gift of your direct undivided attention, demonstrated by your warm glance into their eyes. Love doesn't wait. It is only now. I knew I had to write my first parenting book when its title came into my mind: "You Can Postpone Anything But Love."

Please visit my brand new website designed to connect you with the best tools on the planet for creating the life you want with your child. http://www,parenthoodtools.com.

And tell me what you think!  

What Is "Mindful Parenting"?

What is mindful parenting?

A recent parenting book has added to what has been called the mindful parenting movement. Mindful Parenting, by Kristen Race, a brain researcher, has stimulated articles in the New York Times and Slate and perhaps others. It has much good information about what we are learning in neuroscience about the different effects of modern stress on the one hand and traditional practice of mindfulness on the other. It applies to modern parenting some of the concepts of mindfulness, including being present in the moment and taking time to think and respond instead of react. And it also applies some of the more recent developmental theories to raising kids. Like the human potential movement of the 60s and 70s, it can be taken to place quite a burden on the new parent, creating high expectations and heavy duties. At the same time, it can also be taken to emphasize the importance of parenting and the powerful influence parents have on their children. Rather than create another set of benchmarks, we need to appreciate, in each family and as a whole society, the crucial role of parents and encourage each parent to organize their lives so that they do not have to deny or make light of their key responsibility to this new developing human child. I love the idea of being mindful, that is, keeping in mind exactly what you are there for at any given moment and responding appropriately for the conditions. But I think that parenting is actually a function of the heart, not the mind. It is as much a right brain activity as a left. We can analyze and study developmental stages and what music to play to the baby in the womb or during their studies, but we must also spend a good deal of time listening to our parental hearts. I think that is really what true mindfulness is in the traditional Asian philosophies we have borrowed from. It is about quieting the mind and our cascading thoughts about work, relatives, the economy, or our diet. It's about controlling our over-reactive egos and instead listening to the truths in our hearts. In The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, I have identified seven thoughts which should dwell in the mind of a parent whenever they think of their child. And I urge a parent to think of the child often, and especially before and after an encounter, because every encounter comes out better if you start in the right place. That is, with positive expectations, a mind at peace, and a confidence that everything will be okay. These thoughts start in the mind of the parent and need to be there before an encounter, because in the heat of the moment, voices in the brain can get in the way of authentic words or action from the heart. Modern brain science is exciting, but it should not get in the way of the natural intelligence a parent can access in direct response to her or his love for the child. I think the greatest challenge today is for parents to actually spend enough time, that is quantity time, with their children to actually exercise that parental love muscle, so that the right words and actions tend to come at the right moments, from the heart, not the mind. Today's lifestyles, of the parents and of the children, the prevailing economic pressures and the psychologist apologists, conspire to convince us quantity time isn't important. But it is. It allows parents to build their innate love and compassion for the child, and to set the example the child needs for the easiest most effective learning about life. And it is this love and compassion, born of the parent-child relationship, which has been responsible for our species' success since way before we had any scientific investigation of the brain.   Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: To get the responses you want from your parenting, you do best to do your thinking before and after an encounter with your child and focus on responding from love when you are in the moment. Thinking before and after allows you to set aside fears, urgency, guilt, worry, mistrust, and other emotions so that you can speak, listen, and act authentically from your heart, with confidence in the relationship you have created with your child and with certainty that working together you will get the results you both want.

The Cost of Parenting?

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the cost of being a parent. Reports claim that it costs $200,000 to $300,000 to get a child to age 18. That sounds pretty scary. How many of us have that much extra sitting around? But year by year, that's between $11,000 and $16,000 per year. Consider that just about everyone of us needs that much to live decently. So that's nothing new. You are adding a new person to your family!

  

But they say that this recession has slowed down the birth rate because  people are thinking twice about the added costs. A new book on the advantages of parenting an only child or being one is timely for those who might feel bad not having a second child. I agree with the author that having a playmate for your first is not enough of a reason to have a second. But if you as a parent or couple really want another child, I say don't let these numbers scare you.

  

It is high time we pull back from the idea that every child needs two or three after school programs to round out their resume. Many middle school kids are now suffering burnout already. One sport and one art is plenty and they don't have to be the same year. Today's children need to discover ways to relax, amuse themselves, and interact with others, and not always on the most expensive new digital gadget.

  

And I advocate against skimping on good nutrition and safe environments, but having the latest games and toys and a new smart phone every two years or the latest fashions just isn't necessary.

  

On the other hand, if a person feels that children will cramp their style, either by slowing down their career, increasing their stress, or depriving them of time out at cultural activities or with their buddies, then I would advise that they are not really ready for kids.

  

The happiest parents I have known were expecting the unexpected and were prepared for whatever changes they would need to make to enjoy their kids and be the kind of parents they wanted to be. It's only about 20 years. You Can Postpone Anything But Love. That is the title of my first book (now in its third edition) and it is an important truth in parenting and in life.

  

Parents need to do the research and some calculations. What are your options to take a break from your career path to get a child off to a good start? How does the actual cost of daycare and commuting and headache and sleep remedies compare with the actual money after taxes that you will bring in from your work? And what about home cooked meals and playing in the park compared to expensive, fattening, non-nutritious fast food on the run to yet another expensive lesson?

  

Every family is different and every family must make compromises balancing time, energy, and finances. Let your children know that you are in charge and that you have worked hard on these decisions. They will respect you for it and learn that what her or his classmate does is irrelevant to what you and your family choose to do.

  

Hard times make these decisions harder but kids deserve parents who aren't all stressed out. Take the time to know what you want most and let lesser priorities go. Too often today kids are pressuring their parents to substitute gifts and amusements for simple quality family time. Neither kids nor parents know what they are missing. Keep life as simple as possible and you will all benefit.     

 

Randy Rolfe Taking Home Tips: Families today need frequent reminding that what kids need most is the loving attention and guidance of their parents. Because of the constant borage of commercial advertising that just one more purchase will make life easier and kids happier, we get sucked in to thinking consumerism is the solution for family challenges. But it never is. Listening, chatting without judgment, just being, walking, laughing, caring questions, and hugs, are the tools of effective parenting. Yes there is another mouth to feed and some resources to have on hand for stimulation and education, but parenting doesn't have to be a big ticket item in your budget. Just love 'em!

Gun Marketing Direct to Your Kids

In the last five years, gun manufacturers have begun an aggressive campaign to put guns in the hands of kids. The New York Times has published an investigative article on this effort, available now at:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/27/us/selling-a-new-generation-on-guns.html?pagewanted=1&tntemail1=y&_r=0&emc=tnt

  

You may not know that, according to the NYT article by Mike McIntire, "The shooting sports foundation, the tax-exempt trade association for the gun industry, is a driving force behind many of the newest youth initiatives. Its national headquarters is in Newtown, just a few miles from Sandy Hook Elementary School, where Adam Lanza, 20, used his mother's Bushmaster AR-15 to kill 20 children and 6 adults last month." We cannot know if there is any relationship but it is rather a coincidence at least.

  

The industry has developed a number of studies about how to get more kids into the funnel to want to use guns and to eventually buy them as soon as they can, once they are 18. Meanwhile, many states allow kids to use guns as long as they are supervised by an adult. The initiatives include encouraging children to take up guns for recreational hunting and target shooting. Grants to various youth organizations are taking the form of supplying guns and emphasizing the "responsibility" which handling a gun teaches.

  

Another initiative is a video game using semi-automatic weapons, which game also happens to include links to gun manufacturers. The gun industry asserts that it is important to maintain the American tradition of hunting, marksmanship, and self-defense with guns.

  

The marketing effort resulted from the gun industry's awareness that sales were falling off in the last few decades.The effort to appeal  to youth includes starting very young kids with the idea of shooting, with darts, bow and arrow, or BBs. The literature suggests not using human forms as targets since this may seem violent, but rather words, like "family" or "fun."

  

I found this article very disturbing. In some cultures, in the country, where hunting is really still part of the culture, I don't have a problem with parents teaching tier children to hunt with a rifle after reaching a certain age of maturity, say 14 or later. But the need for semi-automatics for young people seems bogus, and there is no excuse for starting four or five year olds or even eight year olds shooting with life-threatening guns. The gun literature actually speaks of using guns as a way to teach maturity and responsibility. There are much safer ways to learn these life skills.

  

Another tenet is that parents are the best judges of when their children are ready to handle guns. We don't leave it up to parents to decide about when their kids can handle alcohol, cigarettes, or military duties, or when they can operate a motor vehicle, or even when they need to start school. Why would we leave it up to parents to decide when their child can handle a life-threatening weapon which can kill more people in a minute than even an out-of-control car ever could? 

  

According to the NYT article, entitled, "Selling a New Generation on Guns," "The pages of Junior Shooters, an industry-supported magazine that seeks to get children involved in the recreational use of firearms, once featured a smiling 15-year-old girl clutching a semiautomatic rifle. At the end of an accompanying article that extolled target shooting with a Bushmaster AR-15 - an advertisement elsewhere in the magazine directed readers to a coupon for buying one - the author encouraged youngsters to share the article with a parent."

  

As I am writing this in the late afternoon Thursday, there is news of a school shooting in Atlanta today in which a 14 year old girl was shot in the head and is now hospitalized while a teacher was also injured. The suspect in custody is believed to be a fellow student. 

  

Children are children because they have much to learn to take their place in human society. Full maturity is believed to be reached around age 25. A full understanding of the meaning of life and death can hardly be expected of a child of 8, 10, or 12. Putting weapons that are equivalent to those issued to trained soldiers for war operations in combat zones into the hands of our children is to be discouraged and avoided. 

 

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: As parents it is more important than ever that we supervise our children's environment. Digital information has made it possible to expose kids to almost any message if there is not a caring adult screening the input. Use parental controls, hang out with your kids when they are playing video games or surfing the web, or even watching TV, since web-based input is available there now too.  Remove digital devices from bedrooms, and limit daily exposure. Take the kids outside to play, and continue supervision there. lAnd talk, talk, talk about every issue that comes up. Even if you think they are not listening, they will hear you, and your words may play in their ear months or years later when it may make the most difference. 

Aiming at better life balance for 2013?

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

Have you resolved to find a better life balance in 2013? How often do we hear about the challenges modern families face with both parents working outside the home and still trying to maintain a close-knit and happy family life? Finding a balance between your roles as parent and active participant in the workplace is one of the greatest sources of everyday stress for families today. My guest this week is not only an expert on the subject but is a personal example of how to manage this balancing act. A health educator for over 30 years, Sharon Weinstein is an energetic, motivating and highly skilled nurse, nurse educator and consultant specializing in workplace wellness, corporate training programs and motivational speaking presentations. Among many other roles, she also was advisor to Central Clinical Hospital, Moscow, Russia for twelve years while raising her family and oversaw the building of a western-style International Patient Department. Among her many writings, Sharon’s book B Is for Balance is all about this issue. Listen in! Just click on the link above or this one to go direct to show, and listen online or download to any device!

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/54025/creative-tips-for-finding-life-balance

This is a recording of a previous live interview but deserves repeating! Life balance can often be a continuing challenge today.

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: The more parenting time and effort you dedicate in the early years of your child's life the less worry and effort it will take as the child matures. The bonding, modeling, communication, and attention to basic needs which happen in a close parent child relationship in the first months and years are irreplaceable. Simplify your child's life and your own by keeping parenting high priority in you life balance plan. Learn more in my book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, available everywhere.

Parenting Resolutions for 2013!

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

Parenting is perhaps the most important activity in all of human existence. And it can be incredibly difficult, worrisome, and exhausting, as well as exhilarating, fulfilling, and joyful. Are there simple steps which can make it easier on a day to day basis without jeopardizing long term success?

As we approach the new year and round out the hectic family holiday season, I have decided to offer my own thoughts on “Family First.” based on my more than thirty years as a family therapist and educator as well as on my own experience as a parent and on the wonderful feedback I receive from my readers who have honored me by reading my books on parenting. I want to share with you some key steps which are entirely within your control as a parent and which can dramatically ease the burden of parenting while actually gaining more respect and cooperation from your children. I will be sharing the seven secrets from my book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, all seven! Please call in!

To hear the program, simply click on the link above or this link: http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first, Friday at 1 pm PT, 2 pm MT, 3 pm CT, 4 pm ET, or any time afterwards online, or on podcast or apps.

Randy Rolfe’s mission is to increase people’s awareness of how small choices they make every day have huge effects on their relationships, health, and happiness. Her passion to help create healthy, happy families began when her travels with her family in over 29 countries before age 20 convinced her that all peoples share common goals for their families and that a better world could be created by helping all families to thrive.

After a successful law career, Randy Rolfe founded the Institute for Creative Solutions to pursue her passion. She wrote her first book “You Can Postpone Anything But Love” in 1985 and soon became a sought after media guest expert. In addition to her law degree, Randy holds a Masters in Theology and Certification in Clinical Nutrition. She is author of eight acclaimed books on family, health, and relationships, most recently “Mothers Losing Mothers,” and “The True Secret to Weight Loss Is Energy.” She and her husband have a son and daughter, now grown.

To hear the program, simply click on the link above or this link: http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first, Friday at 1 pm PT, 2 pm MT, 3 pm CT, 4 pm ET, or any time afterwards online, or on podcast or apps.

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: Successful parenting starts in the parent's mind. Make parenting easier and more fun as well as more successful by using your thoughts effectively. I call it "prepared parenting!"

The Tragedy in Newtown CN

Our hearts go out to the families of the dear children and their educators who were so brutally killed at the elementary school near Newtown CN last Friday. We can hardly imagine the pain they must deal with. Also our sympathies go to the first responders, who were traumatized by the events.

  

It is human to try to make sense of the event, to look for causes or messages or lessons. Ending the lives of first graders holds no meaning whatsoever. It is yet one step more vicious than a number of vicious mass murders which have occurred in recent decades.

  

Like our President, we want to look harder now for ways to prevent these events. And a number of ways have been mentioned. I would like to discuss the most prominent.

  

First, is the recurring and contentious theme of gun violence and gun control. Why, in what we consider the most advanced nation in the world and in a time of peace, do we lead the world in killings with guns, so many more than in other advanced countries and even more than less advanced countries? I hope there will be a serious reconsideration of appropriate gun control policy at the city, state, and federal levels to help keep mass-killing weapons out of the hands of those likely to misuse them. It has been noted however that these events have increased even during a time when gun controls have increased.

  

And this takes us to the second discussion, about how to help those who have mental problems serious enough to drive them to suicide or homicide or both. We as a nation are very poor at finding out who might be in such a mental state. We could point to a lack of professionals and accurate diagnosticians who might be able to help a family dealing with a young person who is showing signs of being unable to deal with people in safe, consistent ways.

  

But even more important I think is the breakdown of community and the breakdown of the core family group. It is the adults immediately surrounding a child who are the models and stimulus to a young child.  And too many parents are more absent than on the scene. Likewise, our schools are generally too understaffed and over-burdened to recognize and help those children who avoid or resist the norms of behavior.

  

The fact is that more and more parents lack the time, money, knowledge, and support to meet the real needs of their children. There just is not enough parenting going on. It is not only parenting quality that is at stake but "parenting quantity." That is, time spent with the child, from day one to year twenty-one.

  

Research is showing that many youngsters today, in ever increasing numbers, are just not getting the necessary sequence of interpersonal and other stimulants and environmental factors to get normal brain development. But of course most of such children never turn to extreme violence.

  

This leads to a third discussion which rarely gets mentioned but may be at the heart of these extreme violent acts, Most of the perpetrators in these horrific incidents are on some kind of psychotropic drug. The stupendous growth in the use of these drugs over the last several decades coincides with the growth in the frequency of these incomprehensible acts of violence. 

  

Even the ads on TV list suicidal or violent tendencies as possible side effects for many of these mind and mood altering medications. They wouldn't have to mention these dangerous effects unless the drug researchers had seen them in their studies. Yet people continue to ask for these drugs and physicians seldom monitor people's thought patterns once they are taking the prescriptions.

  

Experts have noted that many of these drugs work by stimulating patients to become more active, which looks like they are becoming more functional, but on the down side, by stimulating them into action, the drugs also make it easier for them to carry out their more desperate feelings. For example, a patient who might otherwise be troubled by suicidal thoughts may be more prone to take action on them. After many if not most of these horrible shootings we learn that the shooter was on some kind of psychotropic medication. We seldom learn which one without major sleuthing.

  

The last area I want to look at is the media. Our 24/7 live coverage of these incidents obviously has the potential to give people who are already feeling the kinds of feelings that lead to violence against self or others new ideas about how and why to commit these crimes. Gun specialists have predicted a rise in sales of the rifle the shooter used in Newtown, ostensibly for self-protection against someone else who already has one or in order to get it before it is outlawed in reaction to the Newtown massacre. For these reasons, some have suggested that law enforcement try not to give so many details about these tragic events. But it seems unlikely that such information can be kept secret.

  

Another influence of the media which I think we need to look at is the constant barrage of advertisements which imply that if you are feeling bad for any reason, a pill will fix it. Depressed? Anxious? Grieving? Feeling disconnected? Shy? Nervous? Anti-social? Disoriented? They have a pill for you. But few studies have been done to find out if these medications really work for any length of time or in what proportion of patients their mental effects are detrimental.  .

  

Meanwhile, these drugs cover up symptoms which otherwise might lead a person to get real help, from someone professional, religious, or simply supportive, to help them through a difficult junction in their life, a period of mourning, a time of confusion, anger, or despair, and so on.

  

A number of doctors have come forward to complain that it is wrong to cover up relatively normal reactions to life by overmedicating. It is no wonder then that some people's troubles reach fever pitch and drive them to do horrific things.

  

In a nation of over 300 million people, we are bound to have some very deranged people. But they are a tiny minority. Yet it is said that over 100 million Americans are currently taking a medication which alters their mind or moods. It is likely that when a troubled person, a drug reaction, and a gun come together we have a problem. It is probably a case of the perfect storm.

  

What we see in so many cases is this perfect storm: A person who has not had their developmental or emotional needs met and who has not been able to get appropriate help gets on a medication which changes their anger and depression into actionable rage and gets access to a weapon of massive destructive power. 

  

All these factors need to be addressed in a civil society which cares about the safety and quality of life of its citizens and about the future of its children..

Radical Unschooling?

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

We hear a lot about how our educational systems are flawed and are both failing our kids and stressing our economy at the local, state, and federal levels. It may be that we have demanded far too much of our schools. They were designed to teach kids the basic skills they need to function in the modern world. But now as a society we have come to expect them to sit for our children before and after academic hours and to be primarily responsible for teaching basic health, sportsmanship, moral values, compassion for others, and more.

But it’s not working. These functions have been the responsibility of parents throughout history until only a few decades ago. Some parents are taking back that responsibility and my guest this week on “Family First” is a leader in this “unschooling” movement. Dayna Martin is Founder, Creator, and Conference Diva of Life Rocks! an annual conference in New Hampshire where families come together to learn, have fun, and share their experiences.

To hear the program, simply click on the link above or on this link: http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first Friday at 1 pm PT, 2 pm MT, 3 pm CT, 4 pm ET, or any time afterwards online, or on podcast or apps.

Dayna is a pioneer who has been inspiring others in the conscious parenting and unschooling movement for the past decade. Author of "Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun", and her newest book, "Sexy Birth." She has been featured on The Dr. Phil Show, CNN, Nightline, and Fox News. Dayna is a childbirth educator, Doula and attachment parenting advocate who helps families worldwide as, "The UnNanny."

Dayna is a regular contributor to Home Education Magazine. She also recently took over the “Rethinking Everything” Conference in Dallas, Texas. Dayna promotes shifting from control to connection with children and inspires parents to respect their children through partnership parenting. Dayna lives in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, U.S.A., and has four truly free children and husband who she spends her days with in love, freedom and peace. Dayna will share about her belief that Radical Unschooling and attachment parenting can make a more peaceful world.

To hear the program, simply click on  the link above or on this link: http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/1916/family-first Friday at 1 pm PT, 2 pm MT, 3 pm CT, 4 pm ET, or any time afterwards online, or on podcast or apps.

 

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: There is a reason kids have parents. Societies have experimented from time to time with doing away with parenting by raising kids in groups with groups of adults watching over them. These experments all fail. All mammals have a period of time where they are dependant on and are taught by their parents to survive and thrive. Our pattern of child-rearing is far older than our species because it works. We have complex social relationships and provisioning skills (now usually devolved to jobs and shopping) which must be learned. The parent-child relationship is meant to work but it only works if you work it. Be proud of your role as a parent and don't try to trim down the time or effort you spend on it or to delegate too much of it to others.Your kids were born to expect good parenting and they depend on you!

 

Protecting your kids from cell phone dangers

Family First | VoiceAmerica™

Today there are five billion cell phones in use. 80% of Europeans use them and 50% of Americans, more every day. With reports of health risks from cell phone radiation mounting, including a recent WHO report linking their use to cancer, industry giants still deny any problem. Are we damaging our kids by letting them use cell phones at an early age? Are we risking our own health?

 My guest this week on Family First is Shelly Kalnitsky. Kalnitsky compares where we are now with cell phones to where we used to be with cigarettes, believing industry assertions that nicotine was non-addictive and smoking didn’t cause cancer. Do we really want “radiation” and “microwaves” going into our child’s brain? After 10 years studying the data, Kalnitsky says we can’t know the long term effects yet, but there is enough evidence to warrant serious concern. He will describe the studies, the increased risks for children, how industry misinforms, how hand-free is no safer, and ways to minimize harm.

Click on the above link to hear Family First, live this Friday at 1PM PT/2PM MT/3PM CT/4PM ET, or any time afterwards for on demand or download.

Just over ten years ago, Shelly Kalnitsky was watching ABC’s 20/20 show in his home in South Florida when he saw a feature story on the potential risks of cell phone usage. The show included lobbyists and wireless representatives who all denied a problem. Compelled to learn more, he researched the world news regarding cell phones and discovered that information abroad included many studies conducted by prominent scientists who reached very different conclusions from what we were hearing in the U.S.

He established the Cell Phone Radiation News Bureau (www.cprnews.com), a one-stop information center to inform consumers about the potential health risks from cell and cordless phones and to help prevent future health problems. .He took his knowledge a step further by developing a device which helps reduce phone radiation. He now gets requests from around the world and from news media and marketing groups to find out more about his findings and about his unique, simple-to-use product.  

To hear Kalnitsky's important information, click on the above link for Family First, at 1PM PT/4PM ET this Friday, April 20th or any time after on demand or download.

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Smart phones seem a great way to stay in touch with your kids in this busy life where every family member is going in a different direction. But phones are no substitute for face to face interaction and time spent just being together. Nor can they substitute for parents learning ahead of time what their children's plans are and encouraging children to stick to their plans. Children need to learn to relate to other people through facial expression, tone, eye contact, handshakes and so on before they move on to electronic communication. Their future relationships depend on the basic skills they learn in their first 7 years. 

Can Parents Get in the Zone?

Family First VoiceAmerica™

Athletes have their zone, writers have their flow, children have their play – are these related? Is there a zone for parents? What if parents could parent from a place of self-less absorption and complete engagement in the moment? Could they tap into an intelligence much deeper than any book, expert, or training could provide? My guest this week on Family First is Michael Mendizza, author of Magical Parent-Magical Child, the Art of Joyful Parenting, with Joseph Chilton Pearce. Michael’s work helps adults rediscover the "playful" and "childlike" genius of their own innate intelligence, as they guide, learn from and mentor children, which results in a radically different learning environment for children, transforming both child and parent and creating what Michael calls the Optimum Learning Relationship. Michael will share valuable insights from his 25 years of personal relationships with scientists, authors, visionary educators and athletes and his more than 100 taped interviews with them, now online.

Family First is broadcast live on Fridays at 4 PM ET, 3 PM CT, 2 PM MT, and 1 PM PT, and then it is also archived for listening any time, or for download, podcast, RSS, MP3, apps, and embedding in any website or social network. Clikc on the link above, or go to the specific show page at: http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/60192/can-parents-get-in-the-zone.

Michael Mendizza is an author, educator, documentary filmmaker and founder of Touch the Future, a nonprofit learning design center. Michael is preparing two additional books; Kids Are Not The Problem, a series of essays on parenting the next critical generation, and Flowering, a collection of dramatic floral images and quotes by Krishnamurti. Inspiration for his work emerged from his own experience as a father and personal relationships with Pearce, physicist David Bohm, philosopher J. Krishnamurti, and many others. If being in an optimum state is important to professional athletes, imagine what this could mean to parents, childcare providers, educators, coaches and the children they love. Michael writes and speaks internationally on many topics, including the Next Frontier in Education, The Intelligence of Play, Media and the Brain, Corporate Exploitation of Children, The Brave New World of Un-Schooling, The Childlike Mind, Rational Imagination, and Raising Children in a Sport-Crazed Culture.

Listen in to hear Michael Mendizza's valluable insights on parenting. Listen in Friday, at 4 PM ET or 1 PM PT or any time afterwards, at http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/60192/can-parents-get-in-the-zone.


Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: As Plato said, we all know what we need to know already, education is simply the process of bringing our inner intelligence into our consciousness so that we can act on it. it is the same with parenting. Don't let all the would be experts pull you away from your nurturing instincts about how to love and support your child. Parenting is fun and is meant to be rewarding every day. If your child knows you feel that way, he or she will respond accordingly and enjoy being a child and looking forward to growing up to be like you!

Rethinking Everything?

Family First VoiceAmerica™

Click on this link to hear my guest on Family First share her experience and wisdom on Rethinking Everything!

Do you sometimes get the feeling that a lot of what you were taught or picked up along the way from experts about life, family, parenting, marriage, sex, love, and kids is not really useful or true? Have you felt that you have done a lot of reinventing, reassessing, as you go along, in your career, family relationships, and sense of self and your mission? My guest this week, Barb Lundgren, has not only done this with a passion but she has created a safe space where families can come together to do this kind of exploration.

Barb Lundgren has found that too often we are led down a path of conformity, intimidation, and self-doubt which does not get us where we want to go and even worse, limits the prospects for our children. Each year she gathers families together who are seeking to get to the core truth of living in joy and transformation in a community focused on freedom and creativity. Listen in to experience a wealth of ideas on how to rethink everything without getting lost in the process.

Barb Lundgren is the founder of the international conference on Rethinking Everything, now in its 16th year. Rethinking Everything passionately supports all ways of becoming and living authentically. This life-altering conference hosts hundreds of children, teens, young adults, parents, and grandparents each year, in the Dallas area of Texas, in early September. Find more detail at: www.rethinkingeverything.net. Barb is also the co-publisher of three revolutionary magazines: Rethinking Everything PARENT, LIFE and SEX. You can tell your own personal story of transformative change by going to: www.rethinkingeverythingpublishing.com.

Barb's most important work and greatest change has revolved around her children, now grown. She made an early decision in her mothering career to give up everything she thought she knew about children, parenting, and education and to create a rich environment to support their freedom to be. The 30 years since have been nothing short of remarkable!

Click on the above link or this one to go directly to the show. It's live Fridays, 4 PM ET, 3 PM CT, @ PM MT, and 1 PM PT. http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/59656/how-about-rethinking-everything

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tip: Sure, consult the experts, but also consult your own experience, perceptions, impressions, and life lessons. No one knows you or your kids or your family like you do. Be ready to rethink your most basic assumptions if they aren't working for you today. Most great breakthroughs have come from someone questioning a long accepted assumption.

Why homeschool?

Family First VoiceAmerica™

Our news is filled with the challenges in today’s schools, including peer pressure, precocious sex and drinking, drugs, drop-outs, learning differences, burned out teachers, bullying, poor test scores, too much about fashion and cliques, budget cutbacks, violence, smart phone distractions, and more. Many parents are looking for alternatives. For some, charter schools or online schools seem the answer. Others push for school reforms at the district, state and federal levels. More and more families are considering homeschooling. My guest this week is Peter Bergson, one of the pioneers in the homeschooling movement. He founded Open Connections with his wife Susan Shilcock in 1978 and has been a leader in the theory and practice of what he calls “open education.” He will share his own path to homeschooling as well as the many reasons parents are considering home schooling and the many options parents have in structuring a truly nurturing environment for their kids of any age.



Just go to this website at 4 PM ET, 1 PM PT, 3 PM, or 2 PM MT or any time afterwards on archive - on your smart phone app, PC, as MP3. click on: http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/58848/why-homeschool. If you go to this page you can also Bookmark the page very easily to any social media by using the function at the bottom of the page. Also you can link the page to any email or site.

Peter Bergson is the father of 4 and grandfather of 5 homeschoolers/ unschoolers. In 1978, he and his wife, Susan Shilcock, who passed away in 2005, opened Open Connections, a preschool/kindergarten program. Soon
they became friends with John Holt and “OC” morphed into a resource center for self-directed learners ages 4 to 18. OC currently flourishes on a 28-acre campus in suburban Philadelphia, serving a 100 homeschooling/ unschooling families with programs to help young people to pursue their interests in a community that nurtures collaboration and creativity. Peter and Susan co-authored Open Connections: The OTHER Basics,
and he created an instruction manual titled Spaces for Children: Learning Environments for Work and Play.. Having retired as OC’s Executive Director, Peter serves on the Board, writes articles for The OC Magazine, works on a future book titled Parenting for Pleasure, promotes the “open education” concept, and loves his two full days weekly spent with his grand-ones.

To hear Peter Bergson's wisdom after almost 30 years helping families to home educate their children, go to: http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/58848/why-homeschool. Listen live this Friday or any time afterwards at this site.

Randy Rolfe's Take home Tip: No matter what a child's school experience, the parents are the first and most influential teachers. So be careful what you teach! Humans learn primarily by doing and usually by doing which they see others do. So the example you set in everything you do will have a huge influence on your child. Read in front of them and with them, talk about important issues and interesting events with them, be physically active with them and live a healthy lifestyle. These will set your child up for a successful and happy life.

Help for Special Needs Kids

Please join me, Randy Rolfe, for Family First on Voice America, tomorrow, 1 PM PT, 4 PM ET, or later in archive or download, for a great discussion of how to get the educational assistance a child with special needs deserves. Many parents today find that there children need special attention because of various disabilities which make it harder for them to benefit from conventional school programs. With all the cuts in school budgets today and classroom size increasing, special education seems even harder to arrange. Yet autism and related disorders is on the increase, and we have children with hearing and visual impairment, as well as slowed development in various areas, and other health and learning impairments. There are federal and state laws that require special education programs for these children, but obtaining appropriate help can seem overwhelming. Today I am pleased to welcome a true expert in this field, Attorney Tanya Alvarado, who will help us understand what resources are available under the law, what the process looks like, and when to seek an experienced attorney to help with the process. Just about everyone knows someone who has a child who needs extra help, so do listen in. Here's the link:

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/55094/when-your-child-needs-more-special-education

Great news! I just got the first copy of the new edition of my book - The seven Secrets of Successful Parents. I have had so many parents tell me it was one of the best books they ever read on how to really tap into their own wisdom and give the best of themselves to their children. Please share this book with all the parents you know! more to come.

Take Home Tip from Randy Rolfe: The home environment is as important if not more so for kids who are finding schooling challenging. Let your child see you reading, doing figures, interacting with others. speak in normal tones and sentences, so they can pick up easily the sounds and structures of our language. Kids learn best by imitation and example by people they can trust.

Dark literature for Teens

As a parenting counselor, Randy Rolfe, that's me, has taken a great deal of interest in the lively discussion prompted by the Wall Street Journal article about the trend towards dark and graphic literature for teens. Authors of these novels say that they are helping teens deal with the dark side of life they encounter around them and make wiser choices. Authors run too from the idea of censoring these books, reminding us that we live in a society of free expression. Parents take different positions, some saying they trust their children to choose books wisely, others saying they vet or read their children's literature and sometimes discuss it, while others maintain that the stories are unnecessarily dark and give children the wrong impression of life.

Children as far back as we know have always been fascinated by the macabre, since adults seldom talk about such things with their children, unless they are trying to scare them, so there is mystery and fascination. Grimm's fairytales are pretty grim, for example. But as the author of the WSJ article pointed out, there is a definite trend towards more graphic descriptions of the ugly side of abuse and violence of all kinds. Do any of us really need to have such images in our minds, much less our kids?

One factor rarely included in these discussions is the fact that today's children have less supervision than any previous generation. With a single working parent, or two parents working sometimes three of four jobs, kids are largely unsupervised. We hear about helicopter parents, but these are not the opposite of these parents who don't supervise, they are just the ones more attached to getting the results they want to see in their children's lives. They are a result of this same trend in our society towards putting a great deal of responsibility on children to raise themselves. Helicopter parents just check up on them more. It is completely unrealistic to expect a child who gets seduced by the graphic depictions of the underside of life to realize that there are happier healthier alternatives to the startle factor in a book recommended by an admired friend at school. Instead, parents do need to stay in charge of what their teens are exposed to. That's why they are still under our roof. They still need guidance from the adult best placed to give it to them.

What comes into our house and into our children's hands is OUR responsibility. Whatever your child is reading, whatever movie they want to see, whatever friend they want to hang out with, it's our job to exert guidance, to advise, discuss, listen, and set perameters. The frequency of exposure is just as important as the substance of the material. This discussion is much like the one about violent video games. Sure we want our children to love to read, but it is our job to see that ALL their literature isn't dark, because they WILL get a skewed view of life. Sure we allow our children to play a violent video game once in a while with friends, but it is our job to see that it is not so often that they become jumpy, fearful, and inattentive, as videogame addicts do.

As a lawyer, I am sensitive to the argument that these dark books are a matter of free speech. Of course we should not prohibit them. This is not a matter for the government or the law. It is a matter for the parents. And the discussion is a critical one to have, because parents need to know what is out there, what the trends are, and what they want to do to help their children mature in a healthy way.

Take Home Tip from Randy Rolfe: Tell your children what you are reading and why and what you are getting out of it, whether fun, adventure, learning, or whatever, and then ask them about their reading. Avoid being judgmental but keep the conversation going. If their tastes are becoming too one-sided, suggest that together you explore some of your old favorites. Or take time on your own to discover contemporary books that are more in the direction you would like them to go and ask them to do you the favor of trying them out.

The impact of pets and the arts for our kids

Randy Rolfe, that's me, is pleased to address two very important elements in our homes which can have surprisingly profound effects on our children. The first is the pets we invite into our home and the second is the artistic endeavors we encourage our children to explore.

These are the topics of two great shows, the one on pets was live last week July 1, and the show on the arts is coming up tomorrow July 8! Be sure to catch them on archive or podcast if you miss the live presentation.

My guests are always highly knowledgeable and enthusiastic about their topics so don't miss these shows. They are also fun and insightful. I guarantee you will get at least one valuable little nugget from any episode of Family First on Voice America!

Here are the links to the shows.

Pets:
http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/54794/what-pets-can-mean-to-your-child

Kids and the Arts:

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/54986/why-kids-need-the-creative-arts

Tell your friends about these helpful shows! We had 6000 listeners to our first month of shows! Thanks so much and let's get some more!

Take-Home Tips from Randy Rolfe: Don't introduce kids too early to pets and don't expect them to take care of them until they are really ready. Of course kids want a kitten or puppy but unless they are old enough to understand that they are not toys, put it off. If the parent wants a pet, then it is the parent's responsibility to care for it until the child wants to help. Remember, they are wonderful creatures and demand the same care and attention that we all need!

How Your Home Spaces Can Improve Family Mood!

This Friday July 24, 2011 I, please listen in as I Randy Rolfe, have the pleasure of interviewing Denny Daileler, international expert on creating environments which foster comfort, respect, productivity, peace, chesiveness and great family relationships! Here's the link:

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/54647/how-small-changes-in-your-home-environment-reap-big-rewards-in-improved-family-relationships

The show is also archived and downloadable at your convenience.

Small changes can make a big difference in how your familoy members interact. Ask your children how they would like to rearrange the familoy room for example. This gets them to invest in the arrangement and to feel they have some say. Also, let them arrange their bedrooms, within your comfortable limits.

Take Home Tips from World Ambassador for Family Randy Rolfe: Keep fresh air in each room and comfortable chairs for each member of the famiy. Use bright and light relaxing colors so that indoors the family is surrounded with as much full spectrum light as possible.
To learn more about taking care of children's basic needs by tending to their physical environment, see Randy's book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents. For more information, go to www.randyrolfe.com.

Do our kids have nature deficit disorder?

Listen in this Friday 1 PM Pacific, 4 PM Eastern, to hear World Ambassador for Family Randy Rolfe interviewing a leading nature education expert and author, Ellen Haas. Ellen will show you how important it is for our children's overall well-being, physical health, and mental development to get out in Nature! If you miss the show you can listen to the recording anytime or download it later to your portable device. Simply connecting with Nature has been shown to help with obesity, sleep, depression, anxiety, attention and focus problems, learning challenges, and more. Any parent can enlist the help of Nature!

Simply go to this link to get the details!

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/54356/do-our-children-have-nature-deficit-disorder

Take Home Tip from five time author, family therapist, and longevity trainer Randy Rolfe: Send your children outside, even if they want to finish their video game or do some more texting or grab another snack. Send them outside without earphones so they can get not only the visual but also the the audio portion of Nature and let them tell you about any odors of Nature they detected. Let them play in sand, mud, or meadows. You will have a more cooperative child!

Get in touch with your child's social media habits now!

Social media is one of those areas where your child is unlikely to appreciate the risks until they already are deep into the habit of devoting a great deal of time to it. It is new area parents must be vigilant about. Not only should a parent know how much their child is using Facebook, for instance, but they should also have a regular dialogue about what is going on and how the child is reacting.

Furthermore, use should be restricted so that non-cyber activities predominate. And for younger children, the use of social media needs to be prevented, since the child needs to have a grounding in reality before he or she begins to participate in the what some are now calling the "Fakebook" scene. One 16-year-old in a newspaper interview said it was like a giant popluarity contest. It can exaggerate the already stressful effects of artificial competition for popularity in the school or neighborhood environment.

Here is the latest news.

CHICAGO (AP) — Add “Facebook depression” to potential harms linked with social media, an influential doctors’ group warns, referring to a condition it says may affect troubled teens who obsess over the online site. A NEW CONDITION?

Researchers disagree on whether it’s simply an extension of depression some kids feel in other circumstances, or a distinct condition linked with using the online site. But there are unique aspects of Facebook that can make it a particularly tough social landscape to navigate for kids already dealing with poor self-esteem, said Dr. Gwenn O’Keeffe, a Boston-area pediatrician and lead author of new American Academy of Pediatrics social media guidelines.

Parenting Tip for Today: Randy Rolfe, author of The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, recommends that parents be in touch with their children about their use of Facebook. For kids under 18 living at home they need to limit the child's time spent on social media or any type of cyber screen. And they should get their child to agree to let them have access to their Facebook and other pages. Things that go on on these pages are in fact public and a parent has the right and duty to guide their child's public activities for the sake of their child's reputation and future.