/How-to-Control-Teen-Drinking---Propagandizing-Pain---Our-Day-of-Thanksgiving

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I hope you enjoyed these three important articles!
Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: Be candid with your kids about how you feel about drinking. But do so only after you have really thought it through yourself, including your own behavior as a teen and now, and including a chat with their other parent, to see if you can get on the same page together. Children listen to their parents whether they want to or are conscious of it or not.  You want the voice of reason and caution and moderation to resonate in their heads when temptation appears. As for their health, let them know that our bodies are made to last a lifetime as long as we take care of them, and that the constant barrage of messages to convince them they need this or that medication is just a profit grab. Let them know that their health is their responsibility, not their doctor's. The vast majority of ailments people suffer today are caused by lifestyle factors over which the individual has a great deal of control. You set the pace by your example of how self-care is done. Finally, be sure your children know that one of the things you are most thankful for is them! Have a great holiday season!

What's with Our Schools?

When I was looking for an image of school for this article, I found only smiling faces of students fully engaged in the classroom or having fun on the playground, or smiling as they read their books.

  

These images of school can be misleading. The news is filled with stories of failing school systems, cities that can't afford their schools anymore, new programs that tend to marginalize even faster the lower tier of kids, declining competency at high school and college levels, violence and dropouts across the country, and increasing prevalence of depression, attention issues, and drug use among our school youth. Our kids are not all smiles in our schools.

  

Some experts are taking a longer view of schooling than we usually hear about. For example, John Taylor Gatto, who won accolades for his work in the New York State School System, has written extensively on how schools actually fail to educate our students. We have a serious disconnect between, on the one hand, our popular conception that a good education opens doors, builds leaders, and fosters creative and critical thinking and, on the other hand, a system of education which was developed over a hundred and fifty years ago to create obedient soldiers and was further refined a hundred years ago to create obedient employees to fuel the industrial revolution.

  

Today kids who have access to global information on their smart phones are less and less likely to take to the regimentation of conventional schooling unless they personally feel the specific training a particular class affords is something they really want. When books were hand-copied back when the first schools emerged a few thousand years ago, a few lucky kids were sent to academy to get the specialized knowledge of the professions. But the vast majority of children learned all they needed to know from their PARENTS. And even then not from instruction by parents so much as from being around them, helping them at whatever their own skill level was at the time, watching them closely, and being inspired by their maturity and skills.

  

Now many parents I talk with seem eager to send their children off to school and have delegated all that traditional educational responsibility to institutions that were ill-equipped from the beginning to fill the bill. Meanwhile the economy has forced middle class parents and even upper class parents to think they must both work in order to give their children the advantages they need to succeed in life. They assume that they must give up their children to these institutions.

  

We have no idea what the emotional costs are to this new pattern of family life. Many of the specialists studying these consequences have themselves delegated their parenting to these institutions, so they will have a bias against deciding that they and their children are suffering as a result. Today young mothers don't even know what they may be missing by going back to work so soon, because their own mothers did it too. 

  

Such commentators as Ivan Illich and Henry Giroux and many others such as leading advocates of home schooling, John Holt and Robert E. Kay, have addressed these issues in great depth and deserve serious investigation. Giroux recently labeled schools "dead zones of the imagination."

  

 Meanwhile, since most families will be sending their children to school, what are parents to do?

  

First, be clear where school ends and parenting begins. Avoid becoming the school enforcer at home. Be the parent and demonstrate life and living to your children by being with them and having them with you as much as possible. Ethics, courtesy, self-restraint, emotional processing, meaningful friendship, optimism, graciousness, kindness, healthy daily habits, strength of character and more are still best learned at home.

  

Second, be clear with your children that school is their responsibility. Don't intervene or check on grades unless asked by your child. Let them know that it is your decision to have them go to school and tell them why, in age-appropriate ways. It is better that they know that it is your decision than that they believe the state can force you, their parent who is in charge of their well-being, to do something against your will. If you want your child to believe she or he has control over their destiny, then you need to let them know you believe you have control over yours. 

  

Third, don't quiz or test your child. There is already way too much of this in school. A few fascinating experiments with children have demonstrated that they learn more and retain more when not rated, compared, embarrassed, or put on the spot to prove they are absorbing information. Watch closely to check their growing competence without making them feel always on the block.

  

Fourth, honor your child's reactions to school events, academic and otherwise. Listen and suggest. Don't jump in with solutions unless sincerely asked for your advice. Children will come up with their own solutions if they have a caring, engaged, respected, and trusted listener who can affirm their ability to handle their own problems.  

  

Fifth, protect your child's home environment and lifestyle. Make sure they get good food, good sleep, good relaxation, private space, time to play, good self-care routines, and caring supervision of their external connections - that is, social media and time with friends. These physical factors make a huge difference in whether they can weather the challenges of this rather strange institution we have invented called school.

 

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Don't be a substitute teacher at home. Remain the parent. Support your child in her or his activities away from home, including school, but only set safe parameters. Don't try to control or direct. Your job is to be the parent, to love, protect, set an example, guide, not to be homework cop or otherwise enforcer of school directives. When children realize school is their responsibility, studies show they are much more willing to perform what needs to be done to make it in school.

  

Lessons of Unschooling

I recently gave a talk at a wonderful and stimulating event in the White Mountains of New Hampshire called Life Rocks, which was a week-long gathering of families who are on the cutting edge of freedom in parenting and education. Founded by Dayna Martin with her husband and kids, the event brings together hundreds of families to share and explore their experiences, wisdom, and vision for a family-centered child-rearing experience, to encourage their children to become creative, capable, confident, and happy adults.

  

Author of Radical Unschooling, Dayna also directs the Rethinking Everything conference in Texas in August. She was my guest on my radio show "Family First," and I encourage you to listen to the show at

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/65485/radical-unschooling.

  

Not all families will want to educate their children at home, though more and more are choosing to do so. Those who have done it have learned much that can be of value to those who have chosen to take advantage of our many kinds of school systems. The contrast between letting kids learn what they need through living rather than formal schooling and sending kids to school for twelve to twenty years is often dramatic. Most notably, the children do not come to assume that someone else is in charge of their schedule, their learning, their work contribution, and their income. They take responsibility early for their own future.

  

In my book The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, I included an Appendix describing why my husband and I decided to educate our son and daughter at home. In brief, it was primarily to give them more freedom to explore what they were most interested in at any given time and to give us all more family time so that they could learn more from us, their parents, as well as to have more fun enjoying each other as a family. You will find much more detail in the book, but my point is that all parents can focus on these things without going all the way to home education.

  

What we find in family-focused child-rearing is that children are naturally curious, naturally want to learn, and don't need to be prodded, "taught" responsibility, caring, or contribution. They want to help, want to do important things, want to imitate the adults they respect.

  

Making time together is the most important thing you can do for your children. Choose things you like to do and share these with your child. Then pick things they like to do and facilitate their activities and your own participation. Create an example of inquisitiveness in your own life. Create lots of opportunities for seeing, hearing, exploring, traveling, reading, playing, dancing, drawing, singing, building. If your child is in school, it's harder to find these times, but maximize the opportunities during vacations and on weekends. Don't let school and sports and extracurricular activities prevent your time together.

 

Child-led learning is the natural pattern among traditional peoples and it works just as well for us now. The best teachers in our school systems try to tap in to what turns a child on and show them their own competence around that subject to bolster their performance in other areas. Who is in a better position than a parent to know their child's passions, needs and wants? And who else can figure out better what each child needs for guidance, healthy limits, and healthy freedoms at different ages and stages? Too often today parents are asked to abdicate this all important role. Hold on to it and your children will thrive. You will be happier too!

  

Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: You Can Postpone Anything But Love.TM Making time to be with your children is the best thing you can do as a parent. Children learn by example and you are it! See that your lifestyle and relationship habits model what you want from your child, and be there to help them interpret what they see and hear from the all-pervasive media. Make time to do fun things together and to listen to their stories. Take time to find out what they would like to do to have fun. Go hiking, watch a game, play a video game with you, go to a fancy restaurant, visit a dairy or a TV studio? Whatever it is, make it happen together.