What Is "Mindful Parenting"?

What is mindful parenting?

A recent parenting book has added to what has been called the mindful parenting movement. Mindful Parenting, by Kristen Race, a brain researcher, has stimulated articles in the New York Times and Slate and perhaps others. It has much good information about what we are learning in neuroscience about the different effects of modern stress on the one hand and traditional practice of mindfulness on the other. It applies to modern parenting some of the concepts of mindfulness, including being present in the moment and taking time to think and respond instead of react. And it also applies some of the more recent developmental theories to raising kids. Like the human potential movement of the 60s and 70s, it can be taken to place quite a burden on the new parent, creating high expectations and heavy duties. At the same time, it can also be taken to emphasize the importance of parenting and the powerful influence parents have on their children. Rather than create another set of benchmarks, we need to appreciate, in each family and as a whole society, the crucial role of parents and encourage each parent to organize their lives so that they do not have to deny or make light of their key responsibility to this new developing human child. I love the idea of being mindful, that is, keeping in mind exactly what you are there for at any given moment and responding appropriately for the conditions. But I think that parenting is actually a function of the heart, not the mind. It is as much a right brain activity as a left. We can analyze and study developmental stages and what music to play to the baby in the womb or during their studies, but we must also spend a good deal of time listening to our parental hearts. I think that is really what true mindfulness is in the traditional Asian philosophies we have borrowed from. It is about quieting the mind and our cascading thoughts about work, relatives, the economy, or our diet. It's about controlling our over-reactive egos and instead listening to the truths in our hearts. In The Seven Secrets of Successful Parents, I have identified seven thoughts which should dwell in the mind of a parent whenever they think of their child. And I urge a parent to think of the child often, and especially before and after an encounter, because every encounter comes out better if you start in the right place. That is, with positive expectations, a mind at peace, and a confidence that everything will be okay. These thoughts start in the mind of the parent and need to be there before an encounter, because in the heat of the moment, voices in the brain can get in the way of authentic words or action from the heart. Modern brain science is exciting, but it should not get in the way of the natural intelligence a parent can access in direct response to her or his love for the child. I think the greatest challenge today is for parents to actually spend enough time, that is quantity time, with their children to actually exercise that parental love muscle, so that the right words and actions tend to come at the right moments, from the heart, not the mind. Today's lifestyles, of the parents and of the children, the prevailing economic pressures and the psychologist apologists, conspire to convince us quantity time isn't important. But it is. It allows parents to build their innate love and compassion for the child, and to set the example the child needs for the easiest most effective learning about life. And it is this love and compassion, born of the parent-child relationship, which has been responsible for our species' success since way before we had any scientific investigation of the brain.   Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: To get the responses you want from your parenting, you do best to do your thinking before and after an encounter with your child and focus on responding from love when you are in the moment. Thinking before and after allows you to set aside fears, urgency, guilt, worry, mistrust, and other emotions so that you can speak, listen, and act authentically from your heart, with confidence in the relationship you have created with your child and with certainty that working together you will get the results you both want.

Rescue Your Vacationing Kids from ICT

With kids out of school and at home looking for things to do, don't settle for them spending hours playing video games, surfing the Internet, watching friends' posts on Facebook or talking on the smart phone. Instead, spend some time checking out ways to help them escape and get involved in life outside the box.

They will be grown and may be busy with their own new family and even in another state before you know it. So capture your time together now and treasure it!

 

Check out your local museums for special exhibits over the holidays.

 

Check out local community theater for neat shows your children might enjoy.

 

Catch a local production of the Nutcracker or A Christmas Carol.

Attend a house of worship for a special holiday event.

 

Go to a nearby park and sled, skate board, roller skate, play street hockey, or just take a leisurely stroll together.

 

Shovel snow with them or make snowballs or a snow man if you are lucky enough to have snow.

 

Drive around and see the Christmas lights at night in the neighborhood.

Read a good Christmas tale aloud.

 

Build a fire and share stories by the flickering light.

 

Sing carols together.

 

Play a favorite Christmas album and sing or dance along.

 

Shop together for gifts and forget the surprise element so that you can spend more time together shopping and so that everyone gets exactly the model of digital device they want!

 

And cook together. Have each person choose a recipe and prepare them all in the kitchen together, each working on their own recipe. It's a blast!

 

If your child thinks your selection is just too corny, go ahead and plead that they do it for your sake. We parents have some prerogatives even with older kids! They will usually admit afterwards that it was a fine experience.

 

Besides the inherent value of grabbing more time together and reconnecting, sharing your stories, global philosophies, and laughs, pulling them away from the digital devices has great physical, emotional, and even mental benefits to their health.

 

Studies are mounting showing that in young people, depression, dissatisfaction with life, anxiety, poor academic performance, and lack of concentration are all associated with heavy cell phone use. It is easy to say that more time at the cell phone obviously means less time studying, but researchers have even considered that and found that there is a stronger association than just the time lost factor.

 

For xample, a study of college students back in 2007 found a strong positive correlation between Internet and cell phone use on the one hand and anxiety and insomnia on the other. The researchers summarized the study as demonstrating promising tools for assessing "these new behavioral addictions."

 

A 2012 study found that young people had more sleep disturbances, stress and other mental health problems. This study was done at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden. They conducted four studies including 4,100 young adults aged 20-24. According to one of the researchers, "Regularly using a computer late at night is associated not only with sleep disorders but also with stress and depressive symptoms in both men and women." The study found that a combination of heavy use of both the computer and cell phone strengthened the link between ICT (information and communication technology) and sleep problems and depression.

 

As for serious problems of physical health, there are numerous studies which have shown that frequent use of cell phones, especially close to the head or carried near the waist, are associated with increased likelihood of brain cancer, infertility, and other scary problems.

 

A year ago, Pembroke Pines Florida passed an ordinance warning residents of the dangers of cell phone use after hearing testimony from a lawyer who realized that the cancers in his hand, the side of his head, and his hip were directly associated with his cell phone use with that hand, his ear on that side of his head, and the pocket by that hip. The city is recommending that residents keep their phone at least one inch from their bodies and use text, email or speakerphone in preference to holding the phone near their bodies.

 

As Nikken consultants, my partners and I regularly have folks test their strength either holding their cell phone or holding something else. Their strength is dramatically reduced when holding the phone, especially if it is turned on. But even when turned off it is ready to receive incoming calls, so it is actively in the matrix of radiofrequency waves surrounding us all the time now. The good news is that if you add to your body a balancing magnetic device, like Nikken insoles, or bracelet or neck band, the effect of the cell phone is diminished. But it is best to expose yourself as little as possible to the unnatural waves coming from these devices.

 

They also heat up the brain. "Frying the brain" can't be good. Though important, the measurements now required for rating cell phones today only refer to this heating effect. We still don't get any information about individual cell phones and the other effects of their emissions.

 

Consider attaching a blocker to the ear piece of your phone. An inexpensive but well tested on is available at www.waveshield.com. I interviewed Shelly Kalnitsky on my radio show Family First. You can listen to the interview at my website, www.randyrolfe.com. Also, if you are not using Nikken products already and want more information about them, please call me or visit my Nikken website at www.nikken.com/randyrolfe.

 

It may seem that we are just being negative about a new technology. But it is known that it can take 10 to 20 years for cancers to develop so precautions now are better than waiting to see what happens to our loved ones 10 to 20 years from now. And there are enough results already to convince me to be on my guard.

 

An MTV study released this summer found that young millenials were looking for better privacy in their social media. So the younger set seems to be wising up to the stressful aspects of their new-found communication tools. The results of the study surprised even MTV. They found that 14-17 year olds were pulling away from Facebook and seeking more private networks for communicating. The study also found that the kids were "taking time to disconnect, de-stress, de-stimulate and control inputs." They found some respondents who were said to be "monotasking."

 

Let the children lead the way.

 

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: There is no substitute for you the parent. That proposition is my passion! So when your kids are home, include them as much as you can in everything you do, participate in whatever they are doing if they let you, and plan on doing nothing together often! Have a fantastic winter vacation!

 

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I hope you enjoyed these three important articles!
Randy Rolfe Take Home Tips: Be candid with your kids about how you feel about drinking. But do so only after you have really thought it through yourself, including your own behavior as a teen and now, and including a chat with their other parent, to see if you can get on the same page together. Children listen to their parents whether they want to or are conscious of it or not.  You want the voice of reason and caution and moderation to resonate in their heads when temptation appears. As for their health, let them know that our bodies are made to last a lifetime as long as we take care of them, and that the constant barrage of messages to convince them they need this or that medication is just a profit grab. Let them know that their health is their responsibility, not their doctor's. The vast majority of ailments people suffer today are caused by lifestyle factors over which the individual has a great deal of control. You set the pace by your example of how self-care is done. Finally, be sure your children know that one of the things you are most thankful for is them! Have a great holiday season!

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Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips. Kids are kids because they are less experienced in the ways of the world than their parents and because they are less strong in mind and body, at least until they are about 14 years old. The way I see it, we have three main jobs are parents. First, protect them from physical and emotional risks they are not mature enough to appreciate. Second, provide them with the vital elements to sustain healthful living. And third, love them so they feel welcome, worthy, and appreciated as a member of the earth community. It's quite simple really, but it takes focus, energy, and time. If we delegate any of these functions to others, we must still be absolutely vigilant in their performance. Kids don't know what effects frequent exposure to violent images may have on their world view. And they can't appreciate what EMF radiation can do to them either. We must educate ourselves and draw the protective line of safety for them, meanwhile educating them as they mature on how to protect themselves. 

What's with Our Schools?

When I was looking for an image of school for this article, I found only smiling faces of students fully engaged in the classroom or having fun on the playground, or smiling as they read their books.

  

These images of school can be misleading. The news is filled with stories of failing school systems, cities that can't afford their schools anymore, new programs that tend to marginalize even faster the lower tier of kids, declining competency at high school and college levels, violence and dropouts across the country, and increasing prevalence of depression, attention issues, and drug use among our school youth. Our kids are not all smiles in our schools.

  

Some experts are taking a longer view of schooling than we usually hear about. For example, John Taylor Gatto, who won accolades for his work in the New York State School System, has written extensively on how schools actually fail to educate our students. We have a serious disconnect between, on the one hand, our popular conception that a good education opens doors, builds leaders, and fosters creative and critical thinking and, on the other hand, a system of education which was developed over a hundred and fifty years ago to create obedient soldiers and was further refined a hundred years ago to create obedient employees to fuel the industrial revolution.

  

Today kids who have access to global information on their smart phones are less and less likely to take to the regimentation of conventional schooling unless they personally feel the specific training a particular class affords is something they really want. When books were hand-copied back when the first schools emerged a few thousand years ago, a few lucky kids were sent to academy to get the specialized knowledge of the professions. But the vast majority of children learned all they needed to know from their PARENTS. And even then not from instruction by parents so much as from being around them, helping them at whatever their own skill level was at the time, watching them closely, and being inspired by their maturity and skills.

  

Now many parents I talk with seem eager to send their children off to school and have delegated all that traditional educational responsibility to institutions that were ill-equipped from the beginning to fill the bill. Meanwhile the economy has forced middle class parents and even upper class parents to think they must both work in order to give their children the advantages they need to succeed in life. They assume that they must give up their children to these institutions.

  

We have no idea what the emotional costs are to this new pattern of family life. Many of the specialists studying these consequences have themselves delegated their parenting to these institutions, so they will have a bias against deciding that they and their children are suffering as a result. Today young mothers don't even know what they may be missing by going back to work so soon, because their own mothers did it too. 

  

Such commentators as Ivan Illich and Henry Giroux and many others such as leading advocates of home schooling, John Holt and Robert E. Kay, have addressed these issues in great depth and deserve serious investigation. Giroux recently labeled schools "dead zones of the imagination."

  

 Meanwhile, since most families will be sending their children to school, what are parents to do?

  

First, be clear where school ends and parenting begins. Avoid becoming the school enforcer at home. Be the parent and demonstrate life and living to your children by being with them and having them with you as much as possible. Ethics, courtesy, self-restraint, emotional processing, meaningful friendship, optimism, graciousness, kindness, healthy daily habits, strength of character and more are still best learned at home.

  

Second, be clear with your children that school is their responsibility. Don't intervene or check on grades unless asked by your child. Let them know that it is your decision to have them go to school and tell them why, in age-appropriate ways. It is better that they know that it is your decision than that they believe the state can force you, their parent who is in charge of their well-being, to do something against your will. If you want your child to believe she or he has control over their destiny, then you need to let them know you believe you have control over yours. 

  

Third, don't quiz or test your child. There is already way too much of this in school. A few fascinating experiments with children have demonstrated that they learn more and retain more when not rated, compared, embarrassed, or put on the spot to prove they are absorbing information. Watch closely to check their growing competence without making them feel always on the block.

  

Fourth, honor your child's reactions to school events, academic and otherwise. Listen and suggest. Don't jump in with solutions unless sincerely asked for your advice. Children will come up with their own solutions if they have a caring, engaged, respected, and trusted listener who can affirm their ability to handle their own problems.  

  

Fifth, protect your child's home environment and lifestyle. Make sure they get good food, good sleep, good relaxation, private space, time to play, good self-care routines, and caring supervision of their external connections - that is, social media and time with friends. These physical factors make a huge difference in whether they can weather the challenges of this rather strange institution we have invented called school.

 

Randy Rolfe's Take Home Tips: Don't be a substitute teacher at home. Remain the parent. Support your child in her or his activities away from home, including school, but only set safe parameters. Don't try to control or direct. Your job is to be the parent, to love, protect, set an example, guide, not to be homework cop or otherwise enforcer of school directives. When children realize school is their responsibility, studies show they are much more willing to perform what needs to be done to make it in school.

  

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The Cost of Parenting?

There has been a lot of discussion lately about the cost of being a parent. Reports claim that it costs $200,000 to $300,000 to get a child to age 18. That sounds pretty scary. How many of us have that much extra sitting around? But year by year, that's between $11,000 and $16,000 per year. Consider that just about everyone of us needs that much to live decently. So that's nothing new. You are adding a new person to your family!

  

But they say that this recession has slowed down the birth rate because  people are thinking twice about the added costs. A new book on the advantages of parenting an only child or being one is timely for those who might feel bad not having a second child. I agree with the author that having a playmate for your first is not enough of a reason to have a second. But if you as a parent or couple really want another child, I say don't let these numbers scare you.

  

It is high time we pull back from the idea that every child needs two or three after school programs to round out their resume. Many middle school kids are now suffering burnout already. One sport and one art is plenty and they don't have to be the same year. Today's children need to discover ways to relax, amuse themselves, and interact with others, and not always on the most expensive new digital gadget.

  

And I advocate against skimping on good nutrition and safe environments, but having the latest games and toys and a new smart phone every two years or the latest fashions just isn't necessary.

  

On the other hand, if a person feels that children will cramp their style, either by slowing down their career, increasing their stress, or depriving them of time out at cultural activities or with their buddies, then I would advise that they are not really ready for kids.

  

The happiest parents I have known were expecting the unexpected and were prepared for whatever changes they would need to make to enjoy their kids and be the kind of parents they wanted to be. It's only about 20 years. You Can Postpone Anything But Love. That is the title of my first book (now in its third edition) and it is an important truth in parenting and in life.

  

Parents need to do the research and some calculations. What are your options to take a break from your career path to get a child off to a good start? How does the actual cost of daycare and commuting and headache and sleep remedies compare with the actual money after taxes that you will bring in from your work? And what about home cooked meals and playing in the park compared to expensive, fattening, non-nutritious fast food on the run to yet another expensive lesson?

  

Every family is different and every family must make compromises balancing time, energy, and finances. Let your children know that you are in charge and that you have worked hard on these decisions. They will respect you for it and learn that what her or his classmate does is irrelevant to what you and your family choose to do.

  

Hard times make these decisions harder but kids deserve parents who aren't all stressed out. Take the time to know what you want most and let lesser priorities go. Too often today kids are pressuring their parents to substitute gifts and amusements for simple quality family time. Neither kids nor parents know what they are missing. Keep life as simple as possible and you will all benefit.     

 

Randy Rolfe Taking Home Tips: Families today need frequent reminding that what kids need most is the loving attention and guidance of their parents. Because of the constant borage of commercial advertising that just one more purchase will make life easier and kids happier, we get sucked in to thinking consumerism is the solution for family challenges. But it never is. Listening, chatting without judgment, just being, walking, laughing, caring questions, and hugs, are the tools of effective parenting. Yes there is another mouth to feed and some resources to have on hand for stimulation and education, but parenting doesn't have to be a big ticket item in your budget. Just love 'em!